Here it is: the scrubbiest highlight video from the scrubbiest season in NBA history. None of these players made more than eighteen shots. None of these players appeared in more than 35 games (and usually way less than that). The prospect of how utterly scrubtastic this video would be is what drew me temporarily out of retirement. And now that my purpose is fulfilled, I will withdraw back into my comfy retirement, perhaps emerging again when the need arises, or perhaps not. No matter what happens, many Pop-Tarts will be enjoyed along the way.
Thanks for watching.
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0:00 Jamorko Pickett and Jabari Parker both made eighteen field goals...and both have the initials JP...[X-files theme plays]
0:05 The jokes write themselves.
0:09 Aw, Reggie Jackson was ready to do a fun little "charge dance", reminiscent of Chris Duhon's infamous "travel dance", but then the refs didn't even call this a charge.
0:52 What kind of parents name their kid after a rules violation in basketball?
0:56 Frazier sneakily forcing his own teammate to commit a near-turnover so he can get the ball and shoot it. Even MJ wasn't that ruthless.
1:08 Not that often do you see a player get stuffed by the padded bottom of the backboard.
1:41 Sweet touch pass, even if it was mostly to avoid the backcourt violation.
2:16 Chaundee Brown and Charlie Brown being right next to each other necessitates the posting of some of those illuminati triangles. But it turns out that illuminati triangles are not an emoji because of the nefarious influence of, you guessed it, the illuminati and their triangles.
2:20 The commentators are convinced this is Carlik Jones but it's not. It's Brandon Knight. Their absolute insistence that Jones is the one scoring the rock here made me triple-check my own work, triple-check the accuracy of the NBA's box-scores (they've been wrong before) and also triple-check my grip on reality. In total I lost about twenty minutes poring over play-by-play data and two weeks having an existential crisis.
2:56 When you're barely hanging on to an NBA roster spot, you have nothing to lose shooting these half-court heaves.
3:15 Wait, when did Chris Silva end up back on the Heat? He was traded to the Kings for Moe Harkless. That was supposed to kill his career. Are you telling me that getting traded to the Kings didn't kill his career?
3:54 Langston Galloway shot 7% from the field for the Bucks this year. That sucks.
4:08 I like the honesty of the commentator. "I think that was Tucker..."
4:30 Austin Carr sounds like a drunk guy placing an order at a Mexican restaurant. Or he's re-enacting that famous DJ Mbenga video.
4:40 "He is another 10-day contract player" is actually perfect commentary for Part V.
4:50 Cameron McGriff's name reminds me of that one Japanese baseball game from the 80's that couldn't get the rights to use real MLB player names so they made up American-sounding ones. Rey McSriff, Bobson Dugnutt, Mike Truk, etc.
4:55 This guy's name looks like my tubby kitty Japurri Purrker took a nap on my keyboard.
5:49 If having a sick vertical guaranteed you success in the league, Mac McClung would be way higher up in this video, and DJ Stephens would still be in the league.
5:59 People made fun of LeBron's "crab dribble" all the time back in the day, but, in 2021, Daniel Oturu crabbed a full step towards the basket without dribbling and nobody made fun of him for it. Until now.
6:22 I still can't believe that Darren Collison forewent tens of million dollars so he could demonstrate his commitment to some fringe religious sect instead.
6:38 Does Scotty Hopson hold the record for longest time between league debut and first bucket? He played two games for the Cavaliers in 2014 (!!!!), then one game for the Mavericks in 2018, before finally converting two field goals in the one game he played for the Thunder in 2021. That's not just a fun fact. That's the FUNNEST fact.
6:51 Who cares about Juwan Morgan. I want Jawun Evans dammit.
7:29 Starting here, each field goal you see is the only field goal of that player's season. You are watching full season highlights for sixteen separate players in the span of a minute and forty seconds. That's awesome.
7:46 This might look like statpadding on Cumberland's part, but let's be real. If doing something like this is what stands between you having a zero-point NBA career and a career where you actually scored points, you do this every time. Besides, you can't statpad if you have no preexisting stats to pad.
8:12 Love the Celtics fan squeakily yelling "Pull it! Pull it!". Don't love giving a ten-day roster spot to a guy who is forty years old and has negative upside.
8:20 Here's Carlik Jones' REAL first bucket, not the fake one that was actually Brandon Knight.
Usually at the end of this video I put a list of the players who played in games but didn't make a shot. However, that list is too long so I'm going to put it in a comment.